Insecurity in Bloom
Today has been a weird day.
I woke up exhausted, even though I slept in. I was highly anxious, for no particular reason...and the kids were out of whack too. All day it was a constant battle. Either a battle between each other, or a battle with me.
Now it is quiet lol. One of them is asleep and another one is showering. The third is playing Terraria. I am eating up the silence.
I think part of my anxiety is this mess I have created from getting ready to move. We live in a school bus currently. That is 200 square feet (or less) or useable living space. I LOVE It. But, the moment a little clutter forms, it feels like a disaster area. Also moving things around, stirs up dust and dirt, so my allergies are driving me mad too. But while we are on the subject of anxiety, I'd like to talk a little bit about the current direction of this blog. I have just started journaling my way through the book, "The Artist's Journey." I am only a couple of assignments, or chapters, in. So far I am really enjoying it.
Yesterday in my blog I mentioned that I wanted to do a painting where my anxieties kind of "led the way." (Who knows maybe that is why I woke up so anxious today. Perhaps my subconscious was just trying to help out?) So I got brave.
Here is my painting:
People plant insecurities in our mind. I seriously doubt we are born thinking that we are "weak," "fat," "stupid" or whatever... but ultimately it is up to us how we deal with these things.
For years I played the victim to a lot of my insecurities. I let them drive my behavior and actions, causing me to either play it small or be reckless. I always felt "not good enough." Good enough for what? I'm not sure if I will ever know. But I hurt myself believing these things, and also hurt people I love in the process.
When we grow, we learn things about ourselves. Sometimes those things are frightening. But sometimes, I think the frightening stuff is where we get what we need to bloom.
When I painted this picture, I wanted the flower to be in a transformation process. I wanted the tears falling through my insecurities, and the heat from the angry words to be the food that the flower was thriving on. Because without all these stupid stupid thoughts and beliefs, I wouldn't know empathy. I don't believe I would know compassion. My heart would not be what it is today. And I am still growing. I have not bloomed entirely--and that is okay.
If we believe we are perfect, we miss a lot of opportunities to get better.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are beautiful just the way you are. If you are going to believe what someone has to say about you, believe that.
I love you guys. I mean it.