Trust Yourself

Today is Mother's Day. Happy mother's day to all mommas out there. This day can be beautiful, but it can be hard for many. If you are experience this day in the presence of grief, please know that you are loved. I am sending you lots of love and hugs.

I'd like to also take the time to wish my momma a "Happy Mother's Day," as well. My mom is my rock, and I love her so much. I am so thankful to be her daughter. I love you mom. Thank you for loving me for exactly who I am--always. 

As I mentioned in my last couple of blogs, I am journaling my way through the book, "The Artist's Journey." 

I feel like this chapter of the book begins to talk a little bit about trusting yourself and why that is so important for an artist. There is a bit of a continuance of the importance of "ugly art" as well.  

There is so much I want to share in this chapter, but I don't want to give up the whole book or find myself plagiarizing lol. So I am going to share what I can, and I strongly urge you to maybe check the book out yourself sometime.

In a section of the chapter called, "The Feast," there is a beautiful scene of a dinner being held in a luxurious home. Outside the home, there is an "abandoned child" watching the feast through a foggy window, longing to be invited in. This child is then compared to the parts of ourselves that we have "abandoned and dismissed."  

I have lived the majority of my life with some deep rooted insecurities. I was always the odd girl, the unpopular one, the weirdo. It felt like a plague. I felt cursed. I remember writing with sharpie on one of my old mattresses asking why I was being punished when I was trying so hard to just be a good person. 

Somewhere, somehow, I came up with the belief that being "weird," or being "different" was a bad thing. That because I didn't fit the mold, I was invaluable. I desperately wanted to fit in. I wanted my life to be normal.

I was wrong.

It took me almost 35 years to see that being different is a huge blessing. If I weren't different I wouldn't be writing children's books, painting, or be able to see things in the way I do when I do my photography. If I weren't different, I wouldn't be me. I feel like I almost cheated myself by living with all those insecurities for so long. But I also feel like maybe those insecurities were there to teach me something...

"The question is whether you'll finally see the rejected parts as valuable and invite them back because they have so much to teach you."

I haven't yet allowed myself to really paint out my insecurities. I have only really tried to paint "pretty" or "happy" things. If I can squeeze it in tomorrow in all the craziness of packing and preparing for our big move to New Mexico, I might just go ahead and invite all those insecurities in and do one more "ugly painting," allowing those negative emotions to guide me. 

Today's "assignment" was a reflection exercise called, "Let's Explore What Trusting Yourself Looks Like."

I am supposed to reflect here on what trusting myself looks like to me. So here goes:

Trusting myself is having faith in the unknown, knowing that most likely I will be okay no matter what happens.

Trusting myself is making this move on the odd chance it might not work out, but knowing that I can find a way to make it work.

Trusting myself is not going back to a job that I know I will hate, and putting effort into my art, writing, and meditation practices so that I can continue to truly be me.

Trusting myself is about sharing my emotions and thoughts with the world, even when it bothers other people. 

Trusting myself is feeling invincible because I have already made it through the death of my child, homelessness, and other dark days I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

Trusting myself is learning to let go of the things that no longer work out, even when I have put so much effort into them.

Trusting myself is being honest with me, and with others.

Trusting myself is learning to love me for the big old weird-o that I am. 

Trusting myself is allowing me to be me--flaws and all.

What does trusting yourself mean to you?

 

 

No art work to share with you today. But here is a super cute photo of me and my momma many years ago. Ain't we adorable?

the artist's journey

 

Happy Mother's Day ya'll.

~Kelly Airhart

www.kellyairhart.com

 

 

 

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